525.600 Minutes and Seemingly Endless Choices

Wow....seems like I keep forgetting I have a blog. Either these are the first signs of Alzheimer’s or my life is just boring and I have nothing to blog about.......

Anyway, one year...12 months...365 days...525.600 Minutes (thank you “rent”)... okay well maybe not exactly, the last entry is from 30/08/2013 and today is the 19^th August 2014...I am close though so f*ck it.

So what has changed in a year? I am still working in the same office and I still love my job, and yes I am also still living in the apartment of which I am talking about in my previous post. Something has changed though; I am on my own now. No boyfriend. That’s a huge thing considering how happy I was about the fact we finally moved in together after 3 years of long distance relationship. And let me tell you, ending this relationship was definitely not easy.

Breaking up with someone is always hard. Breaking up with someone after 3.5 years and a good 6 months of living together is very hard. And it took me a long, long, long time to realise that I am not happy with this relationship and that my feelings had changed. Why? I can’t tell you. But that’s the thing about feelings, they come and go, they rush over you like a wave or leave you cold like an icy storm. And most of the time you have no control over them, but I’ve read a quote once which is quite fitting: “You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

And then, once you realise what is going on in your heart and mind, you have a choice. Not only one actually. You have endless choices. Now in this situation, do you wait and see if the feelings change again? Because maybe you’re just going through a rough patch and it’s just a phase and everything will be back to flowers and sunshine soon. Or do you take a leap and just end it once and for all because you know your feelings will never be the same again and you do not want to make yourself and the other person (even more) unhappy?

You never know if the choice you made was the right one. Maybe eventually you will regret it....this thought sucks doesn’t it? Because if you are so sure about something now, how could you possibly regret it in a few weeks, months, or even years?

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn” ~David Russell.

I made the choice to end the relationship and for now it seems to have been the right choice. But who knows? Maybe I f*cked everything up completely. Maybe that was IT and I was too blind and too full of myself to appreciate what I had. Who knows if it was a good or bad choice I made. I’ve heard once that “Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” Sounds about right, doesn’t it? We have to make decisions every day. Good or bad, no one knows. But we always learn from them. One way or the other.

The most important point is you ALWAYS have a choice. You have the choice to accept your situation and adapt to it, or to change your situation and maybe, even if there’s just a 50% chance...maybe you’re lucky enough to find happiness.

Because that’s the thing with choices, with them there comes responsibility. The responsibility of your own happiness. Because you need to put yourself first. You need to ask yourself, are you happy the way your life goes right now and what choice do you have to change it if you’re unhappy? But also, you need to keep in mind that: 

Everything has a consequence. Every action has a reaction. ~ Isaac Newton

xo

Sab

Home sweet sweet home ♥

Hello guys, 

I know I know, I have been quite bad and didn't update my blog for a looong time. Boohoo. 

Oh don’t pretend that you’re interested in the stuff I write anyway, it’s boring as hell. So if you don’t want to fall asleep right now, I would stop reading and get the hell off this blog. You’re still reading? Seriously?! 

Well….I've warned you…...

Believe it or not, I've finally moved into my new apartment! I know right, about bloody time!

Don’t even ask how it was! Moving into an empty apartment and having to set up every piece of furniture was torture. Luckily I had some help from family and friends, but still. I took a week off work to get all the stuff done and when I was back at work I actually felt like needing another week off just so I can sleep. Yeh no, apparently I’m an adult now (yeh sure ha!) and adults have to work. I can tell you, my bed is not happy about this.

"What I love most about my Home is who I share it with." - Ted Carpenter

Well, it’s been a rather stressful few weeks, and even after almost a month of living in the apartment, I realise every day that something is still missing. Seriously don’t ask how much I already spent on small stuff for the kitchen etc. And I’m still not half way there. Curtains, carpets, more towels, blankets, lights, you name it.

Another thing is, as you might know, I love cooking and baking, but now that I’m living on my own (well technically I’m not on my own, the boyfriend moved in as well), I start to appreciate how awesome it was to get home after work, knowing mum or grandma has already made dinner and I just have to sit on the table and put the fork into my mouth. Ah yes, the good old times….well they are over. 

Now I have two options: either cook or slowly starve myself to death (because I’m a lazy cow). Most of the times I go with option one though because the boyfriend’s hungry as well and yeh you know, I love him so n’aah I don’t want him to starve. I’m sure he’d cook as well if I’d ask him but nah ah no chance! This is MY kitchen. Stay the hell out of it!

Apart from all this I have to admit, I love having my own apartment, it’s bloody awesome. All the stuff is MINE and I make the decisions. I can cook whatever and whenever I want, I can watch whatever I want on the TV (well apart from the days where football is on…of course), if I can’t be bothered to clean, I’ll clean tomorrow…who cares?! Oh right…ME. According to the boyfriend I have OCD (pfff my ass!). I mean hello, yes everything needs to be clean and perfect and don’t you dare move the pillows around on the sofa! Take a glass when you want a drink, don’t drink from the bloody bottle! And if you take a glass, use a bloody coaster because I do not want any marks on my table, okay?!

Well anyway, I have been a bit scared at the beginning, as soon as I decided to leave the parents, I was worried that I would regret it sooner or later. And even though my parents literally live next door now, the first few days in the apartment felt weird. Not bad weird, but weird. I guess I had to get used to this new “freedom” first. But I got used to it now and I feel rather grown up, I do enjoy this! And after all the stuff which happened these past few months, or let’s say years, I finally dare to say: I am happy and I hope life stays like this for a while.

Yes, there I've said it. Come on destiny, now show me what you got…kick my ass for this.

xx Sab

Moving away, moving back, moving on.

So yesterday in my post, I said “It feels like yesterday that I….quit my job or moved to England and then moved back to Germany”. And I also said that’s “another story”.

Are you ready to hear it?

Right, so in August last year I finally did what I’ve been planning and dreaming about for years: I moved to England. Sunderland, to be more specific.

I quit my job, booked a flight, packed my bags, said goodbye to my family (basically it was more of a crying-my-eyes-out thing) and hopped on the plane.

And then there I was, with my boyfriend, meeting his parents and his brother for the first time. I guess I don’t have to tell you that I was terrified.

But there was absolutely no reason for that. They’ve all been lovely and it didn’t take long until I felt like this is “home”.

I was actually planning to go down to London a week after I arrived. For a job interview but (after a long talk with the boyfriend and his brother and god knows who), I wasn’t so sure anymore if this would be the right thing to do so I basically took the easy way out and stayed in Sunderland.

Looking back at this now, I don’t think it was the best decision I’ve ever made. But at this point I was happy with my it. I had a place to sleep, some lovely people around me and even found some new friends. And Sunderland itself isn’t too bad either. I was happy.

But reality kicked in soon and I realised this is not just a holiday trip. I had to find a job. QUICK!

Easier said than done, I’ve sent out application after application, but nothing.

It was a pain to get all the documents for my national insurance number, a bank account and other stuff that you just need when you’re a “grown-up” deciding to move to another country. (Stupid proof of address shit!)

But even when I had all the documents and was basically ready to finally start my “new life”, I still didn’t have a job and there weren’t many positions I could’ve applied for. Let’s just say, within these 4 Months I had one, yes ONE, job interview and as you can see, I didn’t get that job.

I went to see my family at the beginning of November because I really missed them and I needed some comforting.

As I went back to England, I had a long chat with my boyfriend and decided it was for the best to start looking for jobs in germany as well. Believe me I was more than upset about this. But I slowly ran out of money…after I spent most of it on clothes and books (and sweets) and I started to get bored and basically just felt completely useless because of the job situation. It wasn’t easy.

One of my old colleagues sent me an email with a vacancy of a really great position at my old company; of course I applied for it. Not long after that I got a call and they invited me for a job interview.

I took the last 250€ I had and booked a train ticket to germany. Flying with two 50 kg suitcases and a 25 kg hand luggage would have been a bit too expensive. And you don’t even want to know how much stuff I still had to leave at the boyfriends place!

I went to the job interview a few days later but didn’t hear back from them for a loooong time.

But then I got a call, again one of my old colleagues, telling me she’s heard I’m back and she would like to offer me a job (again). I didn’t have to think about it twice this time.

And now since February this year I am back in the coolest company ever and I am more than happy about this.

But this also means I’m back in germany and since my parents have a pretty small flat now, I live with my grandma, again.

It took me a while to get used to this again. I’ve been down for several weeks after I came back. I wasn’t very happy with myself. Like, I wasn’t good enough and didn’t try hard enough. And even though I haven’t been in Sunderland for too long, it feels like home now. And I do miss everything about it.

But now I’m quite okay with my situation. I have a great job and I’m back with my family and the (two) friends (I have now, since the bestie is still living in London).

A lot of other things are going on as well right now, but you’ll have to wait until I write about this….in another post.

Xxx

Sabrina

Expect the best, plan for the worst and prepare to be surprised.

As a lot of you already know: I am still planning to move to England. Get out of this shit whole and move on to pastures new.

BUT my plans of leaving this shitty country always, and I mean ALWAYS, get ruined. No matter how good my plans are, no matter how prepared I am...something happens, more bad than good stuff, and I have to start planning again. I start to think that this is a sign. Maybe I am not supposed to move away, maybe I have to stay here my whole life and be unhappy, because this is god’s plan for me! “Sabrina wants to be happy?! Fuck that I won’t let this happen! Let’s ruin her plans until she gives up!” - Thanks for that God!

A few years back, I’ve suddenly been sure about the fact that I will never be happy here and that I want to move away, not just move out of my parents’ home and get my own flat in the next town, no. I want something different, completely different. I am sick of Germany; I am sick of the people, the language, the country, and the government, just everything! And I like England, I like the country, the people, the language, I just like it. And shut up about the weather! Yes it does rain in England but do you think its better in Germany? No. It’s pretty much the same, I can live with that.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Then one day, voilà the boyfriend appeared on my screen. A cute English guy, who caught my attention immediately. Right from the start, I knew that I cannot imagine my future without him. This encouraged my view on moving away even more.

Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.

So the bestie (yes she’s gonna come with me) and me started planning a long time ago. And we realised it’s a lot harder than we thought at the beginning, but it was okay. We planned, a lot. Got all the information and thought about the best way to do it. After months of trying to save money and setting different dates and then always postponing them, we finally had the ultimate plan. She’s gonna go to London for a few months as an au pair, I’ll stay in germany and work till my contract ends and then move in with the boyfriend. At least until I found a job and me and the bestie found a flat together. Sounds easy, but (still) isn’t. I am not gonna tell you every detail, because it's a long and not really nice story and actually my family problems are not your buisness. Just so much:

I am scared. I am honestly shitting my pants. But now, I have no other choice. My parents gonna move out of the house and move in to a two bedroom apartment with my brother and my sister’s gonna move away with her son as well. Since I actually won’t have a home anymore, I have no other choice than leaving in august. Because I do not want to stay here any longer and I will not get my own flat here because I still need to save money! I’m gonna stay with my nana or my sister for the next 2 months until I can finally go over to the boyfriend. I thought.

Good fortune is what happens, when opportunity meets planning.

And now?! My plans are upside down again. AGAIN! My contract would end in July but now they offered me a new position, starting in August for another year! Another year? This means I'd have to get my own flat here, in shitty land. Can I really stay here another year? Push back my plans and dreams again? The boyfriend AND the bestie won’t be impressed. It’s a brilliant opportunity though, would look marvellous in my CV...but can I do it? Mentally? I don’t know. I have to think about this now. Maybe do a pro and contra list?! Urgh! I don't even know why I wrote about this now, I just had to get it out of my mind, too much stuff is in my head right now, it might explode. Anyway....

But what would you do? Got some advice, anything?

Till then,

Sab

X

Just another week in paradise.

So on Friday the 16th the boyfriend came over again (FINALLY). It’s been about 2 months since we last saw each other. You might think 2 months aren’t that long…believe me it’s bloody long and I hated every second. You want to know where he’s been? At home of course. He lives in England, I live in Germany.

Long distance relationship….hurray….NOT!

It’s been about 1 year and 8 months (I think) since he first tweeted me. It all started when he offered me a cup of tea on twitter. I fell for him instantly. And now here we are, in a relationship for 1 and a half years. Oh time flies.

But as much as I love him, it’s not always easy. He’s been here last summer for about 2 months. Then we saw each other on new years and spent about 10 days together. And now he came over on the 16th for another 10 days. We can’t spend much time together, because it’s just not possible, I have a job, he goes to uni…so we are both scant of money and time. Anyway.

Even though I had to go to work while he was here, I enjoyed every second with him. Time was rare so we had to make the best out of it. And how did we spend the few hours we had together? Snuggling. What else?! ;)
But no matter how amazing the time is you spent together, soon there comes the day when you have to say goodbye again, he’ll get on a flight and you’ll both have to fall asleep alone again. I can tell you, it’s horrible. I thought saying goodbye would get easier with time but it doesn’t. No, actually it gets harder. Because all you think is: “Now we have to say goodbye again. Again, again, again. When will this end?” Well, it’s gonna take a while. It’s not that easy. You need patience and hope and money of course!

Usually, when we are at the airport, saying goodbye, at least one of us (me) or even both are crying. This time it was different, we didn’t cry at all. And I can tell you why. We gonna see each other again in about 11 days in London! This made everything a lot easier, knowing it’s only a few more days or even weeks and then you gonna see each other again. All the other times when we’ve been at the airport, we had no idea when we gonna see each other again. And this sucked big time.

When I spend time with the boyfriend, I’m a completely different person. I’m me. I don’t worry about stuff like I usually do. I’m not depressed or upset or anything. I’m happy. He makes me happy, brings out the best in me. Even though I know he’s gonna leave again, I just try to enjoy every second with him. Of course we do argue sometimes or ignore each other because one of us (me) is a complete bitch at this moment, but this is over soon and then we are just US again. And I love this. I love him for taking me the way I am, for putting up with me. I don’t know how he does this.

And even though it’s anything but easy to be in a long distance relationship, I have to say:

It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

I appreciate his love even more, I appreciate the time we have together even more. Our love and the whole relationship just grows with every day we spend apart. And I know that this situation won’t be forever. Soon we’ll be together. Without going to the airport and saying goodbye again. We’ll be US. Together. In the same country. Forever. And I just can’t wait for this to happen.

I love you Baby.