525.600 Minutes and Seemingly Endless Choices

Wow....seems like I keep forgetting I have a blog. Either these are the first signs of Alzheimer’s or my life is just boring and I have nothing to blog about.......

Anyway, one year...12 months...365 days...525.600 Minutes (thank you “rent”)... okay well maybe not exactly, the last entry is from 30/08/2013 and today is the 19^th August 2014...I am close though so f*ck it.

So what has changed in a year? I am still working in the same office and I still love my job, and yes I am also still living in the apartment of which I am talking about in my previous post. Something has changed though; I am on my own now. No boyfriend. That’s a huge thing considering how happy I was about the fact we finally moved in together after 3 years of long distance relationship. And let me tell you, ending this relationship was definitely not easy.

Breaking up with someone is always hard. Breaking up with someone after 3.5 years and a good 6 months of living together is very hard. And it took me a long, long, long time to realise that I am not happy with this relationship and that my feelings had changed. Why? I can’t tell you. But that’s the thing about feelings, they come and go, they rush over you like a wave or leave you cold like an icy storm. And most of the time you have no control over them, but I’ve read a quote once which is quite fitting: “You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

And then, once you realise what is going on in your heart and mind, you have a choice. Not only one actually. You have endless choices. Now in this situation, do you wait and see if the feelings change again? Because maybe you’re just going through a rough patch and it’s just a phase and everything will be back to flowers and sunshine soon. Or do you take a leap and just end it once and for all because you know your feelings will never be the same again and you do not want to make yourself and the other person (even more) unhappy?

You never know if the choice you made was the right one. Maybe eventually you will regret it....this thought sucks doesn’t it? Because if you are so sure about something now, how could you possibly regret it in a few weeks, months, or even years?

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn” ~David Russell.

I made the choice to end the relationship and for now it seems to have been the right choice. But who knows? Maybe I f*cked everything up completely. Maybe that was IT and I was too blind and too full of myself to appreciate what I had. Who knows if it was a good or bad choice I made. I’ve heard once that “Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” Sounds about right, doesn’t it? We have to make decisions every day. Good or bad, no one knows. But we always learn from them. One way or the other.

The most important point is you ALWAYS have a choice. You have the choice to accept your situation and adapt to it, or to change your situation and maybe, even if there’s just a 50% chance...maybe you’re lucky enough to find happiness.

Because that’s the thing with choices, with them there comes responsibility. The responsibility of your own happiness. Because you need to put yourself first. You need to ask yourself, are you happy the way your life goes right now and what choice do you have to change it if you’re unhappy? But also, you need to keep in mind that: 

Everything has a consequence. Every action has a reaction. ~ Isaac Newton

xo

Sab

Home sweet sweet home ♥

Hello guys, 

I know I know, I have been quite bad and didn't update my blog for a looong time. Boohoo. 

Oh don’t pretend that you’re interested in the stuff I write anyway, it’s boring as hell. So if you don’t want to fall asleep right now, I would stop reading and get the hell off this blog. You’re still reading? Seriously?! 

Well….I've warned you…...

Believe it or not, I've finally moved into my new apartment! I know right, about bloody time!

Don’t even ask how it was! Moving into an empty apartment and having to set up every piece of furniture was torture. Luckily I had some help from family and friends, but still. I took a week off work to get all the stuff done and when I was back at work I actually felt like needing another week off just so I can sleep. Yeh no, apparently I’m an adult now (yeh sure ha!) and adults have to work. I can tell you, my bed is not happy about this.

"What I love most about my Home is who I share it with." - Ted Carpenter

Well, it’s been a rather stressful few weeks, and even after almost a month of living in the apartment, I realise every day that something is still missing. Seriously don’t ask how much I already spent on small stuff for the kitchen etc. And I’m still not half way there. Curtains, carpets, more towels, blankets, lights, you name it.

Another thing is, as you might know, I love cooking and baking, but now that I’m living on my own (well technically I’m not on my own, the boyfriend moved in as well), I start to appreciate how awesome it was to get home after work, knowing mum or grandma has already made dinner and I just have to sit on the table and put the fork into my mouth. Ah yes, the good old times….well they are over. 

Now I have two options: either cook or slowly starve myself to death (because I’m a lazy cow). Most of the times I go with option one though because the boyfriend’s hungry as well and yeh you know, I love him so n’aah I don’t want him to starve. I’m sure he’d cook as well if I’d ask him but nah ah no chance! This is MY kitchen. Stay the hell out of it!

Apart from all this I have to admit, I love having my own apartment, it’s bloody awesome. All the stuff is MINE and I make the decisions. I can cook whatever and whenever I want, I can watch whatever I want on the TV (well apart from the days where football is on…of course), if I can’t be bothered to clean, I’ll clean tomorrow…who cares?! Oh right…ME. According to the boyfriend I have OCD (pfff my ass!). I mean hello, yes everything needs to be clean and perfect and don’t you dare move the pillows around on the sofa! Take a glass when you want a drink, don’t drink from the bloody bottle! And if you take a glass, use a bloody coaster because I do not want any marks on my table, okay?!

Well anyway, I have been a bit scared at the beginning, as soon as I decided to leave the parents, I was worried that I would regret it sooner or later. And even though my parents literally live next door now, the first few days in the apartment felt weird. Not bad weird, but weird. I guess I had to get used to this new “freedom” first. But I got used to it now and I feel rather grown up, I do enjoy this! And after all the stuff which happened these past few months, or let’s say years, I finally dare to say: I am happy and I hope life stays like this for a while.

Yes, there I've said it. Come on destiny, now show me what you got…kick my ass for this.

xx Sab

Sitting, waiting, hoping...

As if this week hasn't been long and stressful enough already. All that kept me going at the moment was knowing it’ll only be 2 more weeks until I can finally move into my own place. But then...while I was at work, I got a call from my estate agent.

He told me he got a call from the landlord about the new apartment. The landlord said he is really sorry, but it looks like they won’t be able to finish the apartment until the 1^st of July. Means they have to shift the moving in date to the 1^st of August and they wanted to know if this was fine with me?!

Of course it wasn't fine for me! 

I explained that I currently live with my parents, which isn't easy because their flat is rather small and my brother sleeps on the sofa because of me. And August is still a while to go. Another 6 weeks of doing this is just too much! So he said that would be no problem, he also called some of the other people who actually should have moved in on the 1^st of July. Some said they are fine with moving in later others, like me, weren't fine with it. He’ll let the landlord know, so he can make sure that at least some of the apartments, including mine, will be ready until July.

So far so good.

But then I started thinking about it. Since I had to pay a not so small amount for my furniture upfront, I am now not able to get the money together for the deposit until July. I would be able to pay most of it but my dad would have to help me out. And since he's got his own problems at the moment, because he started working under a new contract, it doesn't look too good for him either. Means I am not sure if he’ll be able to give me the rest of the money.

The more I thought about it the more I actually regretted having said that I cannot wait until August. Because in August,  I’d definitely be able to pay everything on my own and I wouldn't have to rely on anybody. After a long conversation with my boyfriend, trying to find a solution for the whole thing and him offering me money, I decided it would be best if I call the estate agent back and let him know that August would be okay for me. Even though it pisses me off a lot.

Yes it means another 4 weeks with my parents, which isn't easy, but it also will give me more time to get the money together. So maybe it was a sign and moving in in July isn't as bad for me as I thought.

I’ll be honest, I’m quite stubborn and I HATE when I have to rely on other people. This was MY plan, MY decision so I have to be able to do this on my own. I can’t take money from my dad or my boyfriend. Because they’re not in this situation, it's not their problem and it wouldn't be fair from me to take their money. They've got enough on their own plate. I signed the contract so I have to be able to pay. No matter how.

After (finally) realising this, I called the estate agent and told him that August is okay for me now. He was rather happy about this, said the landlord actually wanted to give me a call anyways, to ask if I could please change my mind about it. So basically even if I wouldn't have made this decision, the landlord would probably have called today and told me there’s no other way than moving in in August.

So now I’ll have to wait 48 days instead of just 17. I am still quite angry about this, but I actually knew the whole time that they won’t be able to get the house done until July. It’s only 2 more weeks and the house isn't even close to being ready.

The good thing is, I’ll be able to definitely pay the deposit on my own and I’ll even have some money and time to buy more stuff. And that’s exactly what I’ll do on Saturday to cheer me up! Buy some cute pictures, lamps, carpets and a tea pot J

So, now I just hope they won’t call me at the end of July and say they have to move the date to 1^st September…….

Xx Sab

Time to go turn the page...

...and start a brand new chapter of my life! Because:

Only 24 days left until I finally move into my own apartment. Exciting times!

45 square meters of prettiness just for ME. I cannot wait! The last time I went in there, my apartment still looked like this:

Not so pretty (yet) and quite grey but the builders are still hard at work every day, so I can move in on the 1^st of July.

Since I threw or gave all of my furniture away just before I moved to England last year, I had to buy everything new. With everything, I mean EVERYTHING! A kitchen, a bed, a TV, a sofa, a fridge, a washing machine and clothes dryer, a cupboard for the living room, cupboards for the bedroom. Unfortunately though, that’s not even HALF the stuff I need. I still have no furniture for the bathroom, no table and chairs for the kitchen, no table for the living room, no dishes, no glasses, no cups, no pots, no towels, no curtains, no carpets, no pictures to put on the walls, no bookshelf, no…..I could go on for days!

Luckily my nana has really good taste in decorations and stuff so she will help me out with this. My other grandma is coming over this week and already called me 3 weeks ago to ask me what I still need for the apartment. She said she packed a huuuuge box with various stuff. It feels a bit like Chriiiiistmaaaaas! Plus my dad and mum are racking their brains for weeks now, to find the perfect gift for when I move in. Cute!

On Saturday next week I’ll probably grab my mum and go to a furniture shop to find all the small things like curtains and carpets and pictures and definitely a mirror for the bathroom and a table and chairs.

Now I cannot wait to finally move in and I’m so excited I might burst! But when I first thought about getting my own place, I shat my pants. Seriously. I’m not scared of living alone and having to do everything on my own like cooking and cleaning and washing. Though it’s nice that my mum does all this at the moment, and been doing it my whole life, it’s about time that I stand on my own two feet.

What scared me the most was the money. Obviously. Paying rent, electricity, water and all the other bills. I sat down every evening for weeks, to calculate and see if the money I earn at the moment will be enough. It will be, definitely. But I am so used to spending my money on shit stuff I don’t need, just for the sake of it, that it’s going be quite hard for me the first few months to properly decide what I REALLY need and what I don’t.

But then, after a huge kick in the arse from my dad (thank you for this daddy, you're the best!), I finally decided to do it! To just take the apartment. I decided it’s time to stop worrying about stuff that didn't happen yet and that might never even happen. It’ll either go wrong and I’ll get into huge trouble or it’ll go great and I’ll be happier than ever. Who knows?! 

Right now I am just looking on the bright side, I can cook whatever I want, I can bake whatever I want, I can watch shit on the telly without having anyone complaining about it, I can be in a bad mood without having someone asking “Why are you like this? What is wrong? Why are you such a terrible person?!” (nana, this one’s for you! ;P) but most importantly, I can sleep as long as I like on the weekend! No one will be there to tell me to gte my arse out of bed! Oh heaven!

I am really looking forward to this new chapter in my life and I just cannot wait for the 1^st of July. It’ll be a lot of work to get everything done and make it look like I want it to look like, but it’ll be SO worth it!

What about you? Do you still live with your parents or do you have your own spage already? If so, how was it for you? Easy? Hard? Scary? Or simply the best time of your life so far? I would love to hear about it. Just leave a comment down there ↓ J

So for now, that’s it. I will definitely keep you updated on the progress, once I finally have the keys to my “castle” ;)

Sab x

I'm feeling 22....

I was off work on Thursday and Friday last week. Thanks to a bank holiday on Thursday and an extension on the Friday (the company I work for is just awesome).

So when I went to work on Wednesday I had a few colleagues asking what I had planned for the long weekend. My answer: Sleeping. Their answer: Laughing.

It’s always like this, every Friday at least one of my colleagues asks what I have planned for the weekend and they always get the same answer. Sleeping.

And then I get to hear stuff like “But you’re young! When I was your age I was pissed every weekend and just had a great time going out! What is wrong with you?!” - I mean seriously? Nothing is wrong with me. Yes I might be ONLY 22 but what’s so wrong with staying at home on the weekend? It’s not like I’m sitting there complaining or crying or anything. What’s so wrong about not being the type of girl who loves to go out and party and loves to get drunk and do, god knows what?!

I’m the type of girl who likes spending time with her family and enjoys a good cuppa. Who’s happy about the fact that she actually has some time on the weekend to read a book and who loves nothing more than knowing that there won’t be an alarm the next morning, no need to get out of bed. I enjoy walking about in pyjama, messy hair, no make up! And I just love sleeping okay?!

I could sleep all day, every day!

So for me, there’s nothing wrong with this. I get up at 6 every morning, I get home at 7. I only get a maximum of 5 hours sleep every night. I deserve doing absolutely nothing on the weekend and sleeping as long as possible even though I am “only 22”.

I mean, it’s not like I don’t go out at all. I enjoy going to the pub, have a few drinks. Sometimes I really feel like dressing up and going out and all that stuff.

Only Saturday wasn't one of these days. My little sister Cathy decided she wants to go out with us. And by us I mean me and my parents and a friend of the family. Because IF I go out, I always go out with my parents, I’ll admit I don’t really have any friends here anymore and since the bestie is now living in London…well….and I have to be honest, I enjoy it because my parents (especially my dad) are fun! But the best thing is, if a guy comes up and actually starts talking to me or tries to dance with me, I look at him and just scream “DAAAAD!” and as soon as the guy sees my dad walking over…he’s shitting himself and leaves. And then I get a high 5 and a drink from my dad. Nice.

Anyway, like I said I couldn't be bothered to go out. First thing I said to my sister: “Nope, no money!” But then dad was like “SHE’S GOING!” and I’m really bad in saying no to my dad, also he said he’ll pay so did I have a choice? Not really.

So we dressed up and went to a club. There was a spring break party going on with a wet t-shirt contest and all that stuff. Wasn't really a highlight since the girls weren't really pretty, the boobs weren't big and the shirt weren't white. BOOOORING. And the guys, well.......

We had a few drinks, danced and watched the “show”. But suddenly I started to feel really bad. I felt like I was about to pass out any minute. Had to go get some fresh air and slowly started to feel better again. But that was around 2 o’clock already and I was tired. Luckily my dad was so disappointed about the outcome of the contest he couldn't be bothered anymore either haha

And then I spent the whole Sunday in my pyjama, with loads of tea and funny conversations with my parents. Such a lovely day!

Now, what about you? Are you rather going out on the weekends or do you enjoy staying at home and doing nothing?

Personally I think yes, I am only 22 and I am still very young and maybe I am a horribly boring person, but you know what? I love being boring.

xxx

Sab

The grandma situation

So in case you've read my last post, you should know by now that I currently live with my nana. It wouldn't be so bad actually; I have my own room, a TV, a bed (which is more or less a sofa that gives me terrible back and neck pain but at least I don’t have to sleep on the floor or share a bed with nana), a  wardrobe for all my clothes and books and when I get home after work dinner is ready and all I have to do is sit down and eat.

But and this is a massive BUT, my nana is exhausting! I mean don’t get me wrong, I do love her and she does A LOT for me and I am so thankful for that, but since my grandpa died, she is simply exhausting. I have absolutely no idea how to handle her sometimes. And since we are both stubborn and always want to be right, we are like cat and dog at the moment. Which is ridiculous.

So on the weekends I stay with my parents. Now let me give you an example of what my grandma is like. Mum is picking me up every Friday. And every Friday my grandma and I have this conversation:

Nana: “So are you gonna come back?” (in a really serious and angry tone!)

Me: “Really grandma?! Of course! On Sunday!”

Nana: “Well I have to ask.” (again, serious and angry!)

Me: “right.”

So I’m leaving, spending Friday evening to Sunday afternoon/evening at my parents place. When I get back to grandma on Sunday I get to hear:

Me: “Hi grandma, you’re okay?”

Nana: “Hello”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Nana: “Why didn’t you call? I’m alone the whole Saturday and you didn’t even call. Do you know what it’s like to be alone the whole day? No one cares about me. No one asks about me! I could drop dead in this flat and you wouldn't even notice until you came back! I’m doing so much for you and you’re always just angry with me. I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. Every time I say something you get angry and you shout at me and I just don’t understand!......blah blah blah.”

I am away for 48 hours, not 48 years! What the?! And these are two of the most harmless arguments we have!

And if you think now: “Well, leave her alone. She’s old and she lost her husband and blaaaah.” You might be right but no, my grandma isn't THAT old. 80-90 that’s old. But my grandma is only 66! And yes she lost her husband but she needs to understand that she’s not the only one who lost someone. The whole family did. I pretty much grew up at my grandparents place. I spent all the school holidays and all the weekends there. Until I started my apprenticeship in 2007. So I miss my grandpa just as much as she does. But I am not behaving like she does, she wants everyone to feel sorry for her, seeking attention from everybody, it is just EXHAUSTING. I can’t deal with it. I can’t speak about what happened every day and talk about what we would do if grandpa was here now whatsoever. But what I know is: If my grandpa would still be alive and she would behave like she does at the moment, he would kick her bloody arse!

Everyone is handling grief in a different way, I know.  I got depression had to go see a psychologist and take anti-depressants for a few months (but let me tell you, it wasn't JUST because of my grandpa, but it definitely was the trigger to all bad). But her, you never know if she’s in a good or bad mood. It’s not like she doesn't have friends or goes out a lot. She does! She’s got people to talk to. She’s not as ALONE as she says she is.

I think I may have to find a man for her, but maybe that would be a bit too far after 44 years of marriage. Maybe a hobby could do. Any ideas/suggestions would be HIGHLY appreciated!

I love her, I really do and I do understand her (at least a bit), but she has to realise that I have my own life and my own things to worry and think about. And she’s just driving me nuts with her being in a bad mood just because she’s bored!

You might think I am a cold-hearted bitch, but I dare you to spend only 24 hours with my nana. If you still think I am the bitch, I’ll raise my hat to you!

Anyway, see you soon.

Xxx

Sabrina

Moving away, moving back, moving on.

So yesterday in my post, I said “It feels like yesterday that I….quit my job or moved to England and then moved back to Germany”. And I also said that’s “another story”.

Are you ready to hear it?

Right, so in August last year I finally did what I’ve been planning and dreaming about for years: I moved to England. Sunderland, to be more specific.

I quit my job, booked a flight, packed my bags, said goodbye to my family (basically it was more of a crying-my-eyes-out thing) and hopped on the plane.

And then there I was, with my boyfriend, meeting his parents and his brother for the first time. I guess I don’t have to tell you that I was terrified.

But there was absolutely no reason for that. They’ve all been lovely and it didn’t take long until I felt like this is “home”.

I was actually planning to go down to London a week after I arrived. For a job interview but (after a long talk with the boyfriend and his brother and god knows who), I wasn’t so sure anymore if this would be the right thing to do so I basically took the easy way out and stayed in Sunderland.

Looking back at this now, I don’t think it was the best decision I’ve ever made. But at this point I was happy with my it. I had a place to sleep, some lovely people around me and even found some new friends. And Sunderland itself isn’t too bad either. I was happy.

But reality kicked in soon and I realised this is not just a holiday trip. I had to find a job. QUICK!

Easier said than done, I’ve sent out application after application, but nothing.

It was a pain to get all the documents for my national insurance number, a bank account and other stuff that you just need when you’re a “grown-up” deciding to move to another country. (Stupid proof of address shit!)

But even when I had all the documents and was basically ready to finally start my “new life”, I still didn’t have a job and there weren’t many positions I could’ve applied for. Let’s just say, within these 4 Months I had one, yes ONE, job interview and as you can see, I didn’t get that job.

I went to see my family at the beginning of November because I really missed them and I needed some comforting.

As I went back to England, I had a long chat with my boyfriend and decided it was for the best to start looking for jobs in germany as well. Believe me I was more than upset about this. But I slowly ran out of money…after I spent most of it on clothes and books (and sweets) and I started to get bored and basically just felt completely useless because of the job situation. It wasn’t easy.

One of my old colleagues sent me an email with a vacancy of a really great position at my old company; of course I applied for it. Not long after that I got a call and they invited me for a job interview.

I took the last 250€ I had and booked a train ticket to germany. Flying with two 50 kg suitcases and a 25 kg hand luggage would have been a bit too expensive. And you don’t even want to know how much stuff I still had to leave at the boyfriends place!

I went to the job interview a few days later but didn’t hear back from them for a loooong time.

But then I got a call, again one of my old colleagues, telling me she’s heard I’m back and she would like to offer me a job (again). I didn’t have to think about it twice this time.

And now since February this year I am back in the coolest company ever and I am more than happy about this.

But this also means I’m back in germany and since my parents have a pretty small flat now, I live with my grandma, again.

It took me a while to get used to this again. I’ve been down for several weeks after I came back. I wasn’t very happy with myself. Like, I wasn’t good enough and didn’t try hard enough. And even though I haven’t been in Sunderland for too long, it feels like home now. And I do miss everything about it.

But now I’m quite okay with my situation. I have a great job and I’m back with my family and the (two) friends (I have now, since the bestie is still living in London).

A lot of other things are going on as well right now, but you’ll have to wait until I write about this….in another post.

Xxx

Sabrina