The grandma situation

So in case you've read my last post, you should know by now that I currently live with my nana. It wouldn't be so bad actually; I have my own room, a TV, a bed (which is more or less a sofa that gives me terrible back and neck pain but at least I don’t have to sleep on the floor or share a bed with nana), a  wardrobe for all my clothes and books and when I get home after work dinner is ready and all I have to do is sit down and eat.

But and this is a massive BUT, my nana is exhausting! I mean don’t get me wrong, I do love her and she does A LOT for me and I am so thankful for that, but since my grandpa died, she is simply exhausting. I have absolutely no idea how to handle her sometimes. And since we are both stubborn and always want to be right, we are like cat and dog at the moment. Which is ridiculous.

So on the weekends I stay with my parents. Now let me give you an example of what my grandma is like. Mum is picking me up every Friday. And every Friday my grandma and I have this conversation:

Nana: “So are you gonna come back?” (in a really serious and angry tone!)

Me: “Really grandma?! Of course! On Sunday!”

Nana: “Well I have to ask.” (again, serious and angry!)

Me: “right.”

So I’m leaving, spending Friday evening to Sunday afternoon/evening at my parents place. When I get back to grandma on Sunday I get to hear:

Me: “Hi grandma, you’re okay?”

Nana: “Hello”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Nana: “Why didn’t you call? I’m alone the whole Saturday and you didn’t even call. Do you know what it’s like to be alone the whole day? No one cares about me. No one asks about me! I could drop dead in this flat and you wouldn't even notice until you came back! I’m doing so much for you and you’re always just angry with me. I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. Every time I say something you get angry and you shout at me and I just don’t understand!......blah blah blah.”

I am away for 48 hours, not 48 years! What the?! And these are two of the most harmless arguments we have!

And if you think now: “Well, leave her alone. She’s old and she lost her husband and blaaaah.” You might be right but no, my grandma isn't THAT old. 80-90 that’s old. But my grandma is only 66! And yes she lost her husband but she needs to understand that she’s not the only one who lost someone. The whole family did. I pretty much grew up at my grandparents place. I spent all the school holidays and all the weekends there. Until I started my apprenticeship in 2007. So I miss my grandpa just as much as she does. But I am not behaving like she does, she wants everyone to feel sorry for her, seeking attention from everybody, it is just EXHAUSTING. I can’t deal with it. I can’t speak about what happened every day and talk about what we would do if grandpa was here now whatsoever. But what I know is: If my grandpa would still be alive and she would behave like she does at the moment, he would kick her bloody arse!

Everyone is handling grief in a different way, I know.  I got depression had to go see a psychologist and take anti-depressants for a few months (but let me tell you, it wasn't JUST because of my grandpa, but it definitely was the trigger to all bad). But her, you never know if she’s in a good or bad mood. It’s not like she doesn't have friends or goes out a lot. She does! She’s got people to talk to. She’s not as ALONE as she says she is.

I think I may have to find a man for her, but maybe that would be a bit too far after 44 years of marriage. Maybe a hobby could do. Any ideas/suggestions would be HIGHLY appreciated!

I love her, I really do and I do understand her (at least a bit), but she has to realise that I have my own life and my own things to worry and think about. And she’s just driving me nuts with her being in a bad mood just because she’s bored!

You might think I am a cold-hearted bitch, but I dare you to spend only 24 hours with my nana. If you still think I am the bitch, I’ll raise my hat to you!

Anyway, see you soon.

Xxx

Sabrina

Moving away, moving back, moving on.

So yesterday in my post, I said “It feels like yesterday that I….quit my job or moved to England and then moved back to Germany”. And I also said that’s “another story”.

Are you ready to hear it?

Right, so in August last year I finally did what I’ve been planning and dreaming about for years: I moved to England. Sunderland, to be more specific.

I quit my job, booked a flight, packed my bags, said goodbye to my family (basically it was more of a crying-my-eyes-out thing) and hopped on the plane.

And then there I was, with my boyfriend, meeting his parents and his brother for the first time. I guess I don’t have to tell you that I was terrified.

But there was absolutely no reason for that. They’ve all been lovely and it didn’t take long until I felt like this is “home”.

I was actually planning to go down to London a week after I arrived. For a job interview but (after a long talk with the boyfriend and his brother and god knows who), I wasn’t so sure anymore if this would be the right thing to do so I basically took the easy way out and stayed in Sunderland.

Looking back at this now, I don’t think it was the best decision I’ve ever made. But at this point I was happy with my it. I had a place to sleep, some lovely people around me and even found some new friends. And Sunderland itself isn’t too bad either. I was happy.

But reality kicked in soon and I realised this is not just a holiday trip. I had to find a job. QUICK!

Easier said than done, I’ve sent out application after application, but nothing.

It was a pain to get all the documents for my national insurance number, a bank account and other stuff that you just need when you’re a “grown-up” deciding to move to another country. (Stupid proof of address shit!)

But even when I had all the documents and was basically ready to finally start my “new life”, I still didn’t have a job and there weren’t many positions I could’ve applied for. Let’s just say, within these 4 Months I had one, yes ONE, job interview and as you can see, I didn’t get that job.

I went to see my family at the beginning of November because I really missed them and I needed some comforting.

As I went back to England, I had a long chat with my boyfriend and decided it was for the best to start looking for jobs in germany as well. Believe me I was more than upset about this. But I slowly ran out of money…after I spent most of it on clothes and books (and sweets) and I started to get bored and basically just felt completely useless because of the job situation. It wasn’t easy.

One of my old colleagues sent me an email with a vacancy of a really great position at my old company; of course I applied for it. Not long after that I got a call and they invited me for a job interview.

I took the last 250€ I had and booked a train ticket to germany. Flying with two 50 kg suitcases and a 25 kg hand luggage would have been a bit too expensive. And you don’t even want to know how much stuff I still had to leave at the boyfriends place!

I went to the job interview a few days later but didn’t hear back from them for a loooong time.

But then I got a call, again one of my old colleagues, telling me she’s heard I’m back and she would like to offer me a job (again). I didn’t have to think about it twice this time.

And now since February this year I am back in the coolest company ever and I am more than happy about this.

But this also means I’m back in germany and since my parents have a pretty small flat now, I live with my grandma, again.

It took me a while to get used to this again. I’ve been down for several weeks after I came back. I wasn’t very happy with myself. Like, I wasn’t good enough and didn’t try hard enough. And even though I haven’t been in Sunderland for too long, it feels like home now. And I do miss everything about it.

But now I’m quite okay with my situation. I have a great job and I’m back with my family and the (two) friends (I have now, since the bestie is still living in London).

A lot of other things are going on as well right now, but you’ll have to wait until I write about this….in another post.

Xxx

Sabrina

Fast-forward to a lost blog.

Hello beautiful blog Readers,

I'll be honest...I completely forgot about this blog. I mean the last post is from June 2012, which is almost ONE YEAR?! And so much has happened! Crazy.

But from the start...where's the time gone? I mean seriously. It feels like yesterday that I spent all summer at the lake with my Family, quit my job or moved to England and then moved back to Germany, but that's another Story.

Am I the only one who feels like the years go by faster the older you get? I feel like I somehow pressed the fast-forward button on life-remote and now that bloody remote is vanished and I can’t stop the fast-forward process. I swear I looked everywhere, the remote control is gone.

So the only thing I can do is make the most of the time I have. No matter how fast it goes by.

And here I am, May 5^th 2013, realised I still have a blog and lots of stuff and thoughts in my head and I need to get it all out somehow.

So from now on, if anyone should actually read this blog, you’ll get some new posts again, about my life and all the other stuff that is happening around me.

You’re looking forward to it? So do I.

See you soon,

Sab

 

Grease is the way we are feeling.

A few weeks ago, one of my colleagues, John who is also a professional photographer asked me if I want to model for a little shooting he had planned. And I said yes, because I loved the theme: 50’s, Grease and Pin up style. Sounded amazing.

But since I didn’t want to go on my own, I asked one of my friends to come with me, thank god she said yes. At first he said we gonna be 4 models but by Saturday we were down to 2 models but Steffi (the friend who came with me), was asked to get in front of the camera as well. YAAY!

So on Saturday Steffi picked me up, we met one of the photographers (Nick) at the company I work, because I had no idea where the location is. We drove for almost 2 hours until we finally got there.

Beautiful place, an amazing farm. People there were SO nice and made sure we feel really comfortable. Then it was time to get the cars out of the garage. God they were beautiful and the sound…holy shit I can tell you! It was like going back in time!!!

Then it was make up time! After the first model got her makeup done, it was my turn. Was nice not to have to do this myself, for once :) And the makeup artist honestly did a great job! I put on my brown 50’s dress and then it was time to start. Since this was the first time for me, I thought I’d feel really awkward and stuff but it was just amazing! I felt really comfortable and since I know John for quite a while now and have seen his work before, I knew the pictures gonna be great!

After the 50s style it was time to get a little bit more rock’n’roll. We all put on some leatherjackets, Steffi wore some leather leggings and I wore high waste black shorts. John gave us a gun each and we got back into the cars. We had a great time pretending to shoot everyone on the set.

John and Nick were both amazing. We had such a laugh. Sometimes it was hard to stay serious because Steffi couldn’t help but laugh her ass off after one of the photographers said stuff like “YES! YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE BANK! THIS IS YOUR MONEY! PROTECT IT! SHOOT EVERYONE!” – I mean honestly, how were we supposed to make a serious and evil look into the camera then?!

But anyway, the photo shoot lasted about 3 hours and I had an absolutely amazing time. Definitely would do this again. John and Nick are both great people who do an amazing job.

I would like to say thank you, to John for inviting me, to Nick for being ana awesome guy, to Colin who owns the location and made sure we had enough drinks and food (I am very jealous that you own such beautiful cars :D), to Anne-Catrin for doing this great make up and to Steffi for coming with me. You are all amazing. Thanks a lot.

PS: John is still working on some of the pictures, since he took a LOT! He promised me he will upload more tonight, I'll keep you updated on my twitter and instagram :)

Xo

Sab

Let’s get down to business.

Remember when I told you about the job offer I got a few weeks ago? Yes? Good. Guess what…I rejected it. I don’t know if this was the right decision or not but I had to make one and I’m quite happy with it at the moment. We’ll see how it turns out in the future.

And I absolutely can’t wait for what lies ahead of me. THE date is the 21^st of August. Only 10 weeks left until my planned leave. Holy Christ! And yet, there is SO much to do. I hope this is going to work out! (I am still shitting my pants! But I honestly try to be positive!)

On Thursday I called my agency to tell them about my plans and that I’m going to cancel the contract so the last day of work for me will be the 31^st of July. As expected they weren’t happy that I’m going to leave, but they have no other choice, they have to accept it. So today I wrote my termination with notice, which I’ll have to send out later. Crazy stuff. I also already cancelled my phone contract, but still got to pay for it until November. Great.

I sent out a lot of applications already and hope I’ll get some feedback so it’ll be a bit easier for me to get a job, once I’m in England.

I already told you that I’m currently living at my nana’s and I’ll stay there until the day I leave. So pretty much my whole stuff, all the boxes, are now in her basement (she’s absolutely not happy about it because the basement isn’t really big but, oh well.). I still got to find a way to send it all over, something cheap not like a container or something. But I can’t be arse to put it all in small boxes, this would be too expensive, but I’ll figure something out.

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

I also have to plan our farewell party. Yes OUR. The bestie is going to come over (she’s currently in London working as an au pair) and we’ll have a little party with all our “friends”. So I’ll have to design the invitations, try to get the bestie on Skype so we can figure out a guest list, got to rent the place for the party, got to calculate how much money we can/have to spend on food and drinks. It’s a lot to do but I’m actually quite looking forward to it.

What else is there to do? Umm of course I got to book some flights. I actually want to go see the boyfriend again and his family in July before I move over. I got to go to different doctors, talk to my bank, my insurance and some other people. Since I am working everyday from 8 to 4 and I’m home by 6 it’s quite hard to find the time to do it. And I can’t take a few days off work again.

I also got to make an appointment for a tattoo me and the bestie want to get the day before the party. And I’m actually really excited about it. It’s going to be gorgeous!

"And I'm dreaming so much, but I don't ever wanna stop."

So much to do, so little time. I can’t believe how fast the last few weeks have gone! And I still cannot believe all this is finally happening now. It’s crazy. But I’m really looking forward to all of it. It’s definitely going to be an adventure!



I'll keep you updated of course ;)

Cheers,

Sab x

What the actual fuck happened to my life?!

Monday, June 4^th…it’s time to take a deep breath. Things have changed a lot for me in the last few weeks. But let’s start here:

About 7 weeks ago my parents received a letter…we were forced to move out. They gave us 4 weeks. 4 weeks to find a flat, to plan the move, to pack our stuff and to paint the house. We were shocked, but my dad was my dad and did what he always does when we face such terrifying problems; he keeps us going. His decisions might not always be right but at least he always has a plan and knows what to do. But this time it was a bit harder, we spent the first 2 weeks with trying to find a flat, which wasn’t easy. Since my parents knew that I want to leave in august, they’ve been looking for 2-3 bedroom apartments for them and my little brother. But there was literally nothing.

From the 14^th until the 28^th of May I took some days off work, I actually planned to go and see my boyfriend but when the letter arrived two weeks before that, I knew god had other plans for me during my holiday. My parents still hadn’t found a flat and we ran out of time so we had no other choice than starting to pack our stuff.  (I still cannot believe my whole life fits into 6 boxes and one bloody suitcase!)

In the meantime my parents got some appointments to look at flats. Then came the day when we left. So on the last night in my own bed my room looked like this:

Since my parents still hadn’t found a flat, my dad had to rent a 45 square meter flat so we were able to store our furniture and boxes and stuff somewhere and we all had to move in with my nana. This means, 7 people on 75 square meters, oh joy. So no more own room, no more own bed, no more own tv, no space for the computer which means no more skype with the boyfriend. When I thought about it, I was sure I wouldn't survive it!

My parents got their own, small room with a sleeping sofa in it. My brother took the sofa in the living room and I had to share a bed with my nana, my nephew and my sister. And even tho my nephew is only 17 months old and quite small, he took most of the space in bed. Some nights I woke up because he was lying on top of me or kicked me in the back and some mornings I woke up because he kicked me in the face while he slept. I had some great fun….NOT. You’re always around people and you don’t even have 5 minutes to yourself. Me nana was quite annoyed after a few days already because the place wasn’t as clean anymore as she’s used to it. But what do you expect with 6 people, a dog and a 17 month old toddler on 75 square meters?! But somehow we managed to keep it as clean as possible and everyone was quite okay with the situation after a few days.

But yeh, I spent the first week of my holidays with getting up at 7 in the morning and coming back late in the evening, carrying boxes and furniture to the car, throwing old stuff away and carrying more heavy stuff. But we’ve been quite fast and so our old 250 square meter flat was empty soon. Then came the second week of my holidays and we had to paint the whole house, it was terrible, the walls are in a quite weird shape (you actually don’t paint them but spray them with a weird machine which my dad couldn't find ANYWHERE!) but we did our best, painting, singing, laughing, cleaning. We’ve been quite relieved and happy with our work at the end of the week.

Then my parents finally got a call and got told that they can move into one of the flats they’ve been looking at. FINALLY. The flat isn’t as big as our old one but since they’re only 3 people now it’s absolutely fine and the flat is quite amazing actually. My sister still hasn’t found a flat tho so it seems like she’ll stay with me and the nana until she got something. Anyway, on Friday my dad got the keys and they were able to move in. And again, let’s carry some furniture and boxes because it’s such great fun! I was happy that my parents only needed my help on Friday so I had the weekend to myself. They picked up their last stuff yesterday and even tho there’s still pure chaos in their new flat, it’s starting to look like home for them.

We still have some problems with our old landlord but dad wouldn’t be my dad if he wouldn’t have a plan already. I’m glad things are starting to get a bit better again now. There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. Yes I actually still don’t really have a “home” anymore and living with my nana is NOT easy but at least I finally have my own bed again, well yeh it’s the sleep sofa at my nanas but at least I don’t have to share it anymore and I got my own room again. I have privacy again! Thanks god! But still things have changed a lot and I still have to get used to this situation. And more things are to come but I shall tell you about this later.

Xo Sab

 PS: I miss my bed terribly :'(

Expect the best, plan for the worst and prepare to be surprised.

As a lot of you already know: I am still planning to move to England. Get out of this shit whole and move on to pastures new.

BUT my plans of leaving this shitty country always, and I mean ALWAYS, get ruined. No matter how good my plans are, no matter how prepared I am...something happens, more bad than good stuff, and I have to start planning again. I start to think that this is a sign. Maybe I am not supposed to move away, maybe I have to stay here my whole life and be unhappy, because this is god’s plan for me! “Sabrina wants to be happy?! Fuck that I won’t let this happen! Let’s ruin her plans until she gives up!” - Thanks for that God!

A few years back, I’ve suddenly been sure about the fact that I will never be happy here and that I want to move away, not just move out of my parents’ home and get my own flat in the next town, no. I want something different, completely different. I am sick of Germany; I am sick of the people, the language, the country, and the government, just everything! And I like England, I like the country, the people, the language, I just like it. And shut up about the weather! Yes it does rain in England but do you think its better in Germany? No. It’s pretty much the same, I can live with that.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Then one day, voilà the boyfriend appeared on my screen. A cute English guy, who caught my attention immediately. Right from the start, I knew that I cannot imagine my future without him. This encouraged my view on moving away even more.

Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.

So the bestie (yes she’s gonna come with me) and me started planning a long time ago. And we realised it’s a lot harder than we thought at the beginning, but it was okay. We planned, a lot. Got all the information and thought about the best way to do it. After months of trying to save money and setting different dates and then always postponing them, we finally had the ultimate plan. She’s gonna go to London for a few months as an au pair, I’ll stay in germany and work till my contract ends and then move in with the boyfriend. At least until I found a job and me and the bestie found a flat together. Sounds easy, but (still) isn’t. I am not gonna tell you every detail, because it's a long and not really nice story and actually my family problems are not your buisness. Just so much:

I am scared. I am honestly shitting my pants. But now, I have no other choice. My parents gonna move out of the house and move in to a two bedroom apartment with my brother and my sister’s gonna move away with her son as well. Since I actually won’t have a home anymore, I have no other choice than leaving in august. Because I do not want to stay here any longer and I will not get my own flat here because I still need to save money! I’m gonna stay with my nana or my sister for the next 2 months until I can finally go over to the boyfriend. I thought.

Good fortune is what happens, when opportunity meets planning.

And now?! My plans are upside down again. AGAIN! My contract would end in July but now they offered me a new position, starting in August for another year! Another year? This means I'd have to get my own flat here, in shitty land. Can I really stay here another year? Push back my plans and dreams again? The boyfriend AND the bestie won’t be impressed. It’s a brilliant opportunity though, would look marvellous in my CV...but can I do it? Mentally? I don’t know. I have to think about this now. Maybe do a pro and contra list?! Urgh! I don't even know why I wrote about this now, I just had to get it out of my mind, too much stuff is in my head right now, it might explode. Anyway....

But what would you do? Got some advice, anything?

Till then,

Sab

X