525.600 Minutes and Seemingly Endless Choices

Wow....seems like I keep forgetting I have a blog. Either these are the first signs of Alzheimer’s or my life is just boring and I have nothing to blog about.......

Anyway, one year...12 months...365 days...525.600 Minutes (thank you “rent”)... okay well maybe not exactly, the last entry is from 30/08/2013 and today is the 19^th August 2014...I am close though so f*ck it.

So what has changed in a year? I am still working in the same office and I still love my job, and yes I am also still living in the apartment of which I am talking about in my previous post. Something has changed though; I am on my own now. No boyfriend. That’s a huge thing considering how happy I was about the fact we finally moved in together after 3 years of long distance relationship. And let me tell you, ending this relationship was definitely not easy.

Breaking up with someone is always hard. Breaking up with someone after 3.5 years and a good 6 months of living together is very hard. And it took me a long, long, long time to realise that I am not happy with this relationship and that my feelings had changed. Why? I can’t tell you. But that’s the thing about feelings, they come and go, they rush over you like a wave or leave you cold like an icy storm. And most of the time you have no control over them, but I’ve read a quote once which is quite fitting: “You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

And then, once you realise what is going on in your heart and mind, you have a choice. Not only one actually. You have endless choices. Now in this situation, do you wait and see if the feelings change again? Because maybe you’re just going through a rough patch and it’s just a phase and everything will be back to flowers and sunshine soon. Or do you take a leap and just end it once and for all because you know your feelings will never be the same again and you do not want to make yourself and the other person (even more) unhappy?

You never know if the choice you made was the right one. Maybe eventually you will regret it....this thought sucks doesn’t it? Because if you are so sure about something now, how could you possibly regret it in a few weeks, months, or even years?

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn” ~David Russell.

I made the choice to end the relationship and for now it seems to have been the right choice. But who knows? Maybe I f*cked everything up completely. Maybe that was IT and I was too blind and too full of myself to appreciate what I had. Who knows if it was a good or bad choice I made. I’ve heard once that “Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” Sounds about right, doesn’t it? We have to make decisions every day. Good or bad, no one knows. But we always learn from them. One way or the other.

The most important point is you ALWAYS have a choice. You have the choice to accept your situation and adapt to it, or to change your situation and maybe, even if there’s just a 50% chance...maybe you’re lucky enough to find happiness.

Because that’s the thing with choices, with them there comes responsibility. The responsibility of your own happiness. Because you need to put yourself first. You need to ask yourself, are you happy the way your life goes right now and what choice do you have to change it if you’re unhappy? But also, you need to keep in mind that: 

Everything has a consequence. Every action has a reaction. ~ Isaac Newton

xo

Sab

Sitting, waiting, hoping...

As if this week hasn't been long and stressful enough already. All that kept me going at the moment was knowing it’ll only be 2 more weeks until I can finally move into my own place. But then...while I was at work, I got a call from my estate agent.

He told me he got a call from the landlord about the new apartment. The landlord said he is really sorry, but it looks like they won’t be able to finish the apartment until the 1^st of July. Means they have to shift the moving in date to the 1^st of August and they wanted to know if this was fine with me?!

Of course it wasn't fine for me! 

I explained that I currently live with my parents, which isn't easy because their flat is rather small and my brother sleeps on the sofa because of me. And August is still a while to go. Another 6 weeks of doing this is just too much! So he said that would be no problem, he also called some of the other people who actually should have moved in on the 1^st of July. Some said they are fine with moving in later others, like me, weren't fine with it. He’ll let the landlord know, so he can make sure that at least some of the apartments, including mine, will be ready until July.

So far so good.

But then I started thinking about it. Since I had to pay a not so small amount for my furniture upfront, I am now not able to get the money together for the deposit until July. I would be able to pay most of it but my dad would have to help me out. And since he's got his own problems at the moment, because he started working under a new contract, it doesn't look too good for him either. Means I am not sure if he’ll be able to give me the rest of the money.

The more I thought about it the more I actually regretted having said that I cannot wait until August. Because in August,  I’d definitely be able to pay everything on my own and I wouldn't have to rely on anybody. After a long conversation with my boyfriend, trying to find a solution for the whole thing and him offering me money, I decided it would be best if I call the estate agent back and let him know that August would be okay for me. Even though it pisses me off a lot.

Yes it means another 4 weeks with my parents, which isn't easy, but it also will give me more time to get the money together. So maybe it was a sign and moving in in July isn't as bad for me as I thought.

I’ll be honest, I’m quite stubborn and I HATE when I have to rely on other people. This was MY plan, MY decision so I have to be able to do this on my own. I can’t take money from my dad or my boyfriend. Because they’re not in this situation, it's not their problem and it wouldn't be fair from me to take their money. They've got enough on their own plate. I signed the contract so I have to be able to pay. No matter how.

After (finally) realising this, I called the estate agent and told him that August is okay for me now. He was rather happy about this, said the landlord actually wanted to give me a call anyways, to ask if I could please change my mind about it. So basically even if I wouldn't have made this decision, the landlord would probably have called today and told me there’s no other way than moving in in August.

So now I’ll have to wait 48 days instead of just 17. I am still quite angry about this, but I actually knew the whole time that they won’t be able to get the house done until July. It’s only 2 more weeks and the house isn't even close to being ready.

The good thing is, I’ll be able to definitely pay the deposit on my own and I’ll even have some money and time to buy more stuff. And that’s exactly what I’ll do on Saturday to cheer me up! Buy some cute pictures, lamps, carpets and a tea pot J

So, now I just hope they won’t call me at the end of July and say they have to move the date to 1^st September…….

Xx Sab

Moving away, moving back, moving on.

So yesterday in my post, I said “It feels like yesterday that I….quit my job or moved to England and then moved back to Germany”. And I also said that’s “another story”.

Are you ready to hear it?

Right, so in August last year I finally did what I’ve been planning and dreaming about for years: I moved to England. Sunderland, to be more specific.

I quit my job, booked a flight, packed my bags, said goodbye to my family (basically it was more of a crying-my-eyes-out thing) and hopped on the plane.

And then there I was, with my boyfriend, meeting his parents and his brother for the first time. I guess I don’t have to tell you that I was terrified.

But there was absolutely no reason for that. They’ve all been lovely and it didn’t take long until I felt like this is “home”.

I was actually planning to go down to London a week after I arrived. For a job interview but (after a long talk with the boyfriend and his brother and god knows who), I wasn’t so sure anymore if this would be the right thing to do so I basically took the easy way out and stayed in Sunderland.

Looking back at this now, I don’t think it was the best decision I’ve ever made. But at this point I was happy with my it. I had a place to sleep, some lovely people around me and even found some new friends. And Sunderland itself isn’t too bad either. I was happy.

But reality kicked in soon and I realised this is not just a holiday trip. I had to find a job. QUICK!

Easier said than done, I’ve sent out application after application, but nothing.

It was a pain to get all the documents for my national insurance number, a bank account and other stuff that you just need when you’re a “grown-up” deciding to move to another country. (Stupid proof of address shit!)

But even when I had all the documents and was basically ready to finally start my “new life”, I still didn’t have a job and there weren’t many positions I could’ve applied for. Let’s just say, within these 4 Months I had one, yes ONE, job interview and as you can see, I didn’t get that job.

I went to see my family at the beginning of November because I really missed them and I needed some comforting.

As I went back to England, I had a long chat with my boyfriend and decided it was for the best to start looking for jobs in germany as well. Believe me I was more than upset about this. But I slowly ran out of money…after I spent most of it on clothes and books (and sweets) and I started to get bored and basically just felt completely useless because of the job situation. It wasn’t easy.

One of my old colleagues sent me an email with a vacancy of a really great position at my old company; of course I applied for it. Not long after that I got a call and they invited me for a job interview.

I took the last 250€ I had and booked a train ticket to germany. Flying with two 50 kg suitcases and a 25 kg hand luggage would have been a bit too expensive. And you don’t even want to know how much stuff I still had to leave at the boyfriends place!

I went to the job interview a few days later but didn’t hear back from them for a loooong time.

But then I got a call, again one of my old colleagues, telling me she’s heard I’m back and she would like to offer me a job (again). I didn’t have to think about it twice this time.

And now since February this year I am back in the coolest company ever and I am more than happy about this.

But this also means I’m back in germany and since my parents have a pretty small flat now, I live with my grandma, again.

It took me a while to get used to this again. I’ve been down for several weeks after I came back. I wasn’t very happy with myself. Like, I wasn’t good enough and didn’t try hard enough. And even though I haven’t been in Sunderland for too long, it feels like home now. And I do miss everything about it.

But now I’m quite okay with my situation. I have a great job and I’m back with my family and the (two) friends (I have now, since the bestie is still living in London).

A lot of other things are going on as well right now, but you’ll have to wait until I write about this….in another post.

Xxx

Sabrina

Let’s get down to business.

Remember when I told you about the job offer I got a few weeks ago? Yes? Good. Guess what…I rejected it. I don’t know if this was the right decision or not but I had to make one and I’m quite happy with it at the moment. We’ll see how it turns out in the future.

And I absolutely can’t wait for what lies ahead of me. THE date is the 21^st of August. Only 10 weeks left until my planned leave. Holy Christ! And yet, there is SO much to do. I hope this is going to work out! (I am still shitting my pants! But I honestly try to be positive!)

On Thursday I called my agency to tell them about my plans and that I’m going to cancel the contract so the last day of work for me will be the 31^st of July. As expected they weren’t happy that I’m going to leave, but they have no other choice, they have to accept it. So today I wrote my termination with notice, which I’ll have to send out later. Crazy stuff. I also already cancelled my phone contract, but still got to pay for it until November. Great.

I sent out a lot of applications already and hope I’ll get some feedback so it’ll be a bit easier for me to get a job, once I’m in England.

I already told you that I’m currently living at my nana’s and I’ll stay there until the day I leave. So pretty much my whole stuff, all the boxes, are now in her basement (she’s absolutely not happy about it because the basement isn’t really big but, oh well.). I still got to find a way to send it all over, something cheap not like a container or something. But I can’t be arse to put it all in small boxes, this would be too expensive, but I’ll figure something out.

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

I also have to plan our farewell party. Yes OUR. The bestie is going to come over (she’s currently in London working as an au pair) and we’ll have a little party with all our “friends”. So I’ll have to design the invitations, try to get the bestie on Skype so we can figure out a guest list, got to rent the place for the party, got to calculate how much money we can/have to spend on food and drinks. It’s a lot to do but I’m actually quite looking forward to it.

What else is there to do? Umm of course I got to book some flights. I actually want to go see the boyfriend again and his family in July before I move over. I got to go to different doctors, talk to my bank, my insurance and some other people. Since I am working everyday from 8 to 4 and I’m home by 6 it’s quite hard to find the time to do it. And I can’t take a few days off work again.

I also got to make an appointment for a tattoo me and the bestie want to get the day before the party. And I’m actually really excited about it. It’s going to be gorgeous!

"And I'm dreaming so much, but I don't ever wanna stop."

So much to do, so little time. I can’t believe how fast the last few weeks have gone! And I still cannot believe all this is finally happening now. It’s crazy. But I’m really looking forward to all of it. It’s definitely going to be an adventure!



I'll keep you updated of course ;)

Cheers,

Sab x