525.600 Minutes and Seemingly Endless Choices

Wow....seems like I keep forgetting I have a blog. Either these are the first signs of Alzheimer’s or my life is just boring and I have nothing to blog about.......

Anyway, one year...12 months...365 days...525.600 Minutes (thank you “rent”)... okay well maybe not exactly, the last entry is from 30/08/2013 and today is the 19^th August 2014...I am close though so f*ck it.

So what has changed in a year? I am still working in the same office and I still love my job, and yes I am also still living in the apartment of which I am talking about in my previous post. Something has changed though; I am on my own now. No boyfriend. That’s a huge thing considering how happy I was about the fact we finally moved in together after 3 years of long distance relationship. And let me tell you, ending this relationship was definitely not easy.

Breaking up with someone is always hard. Breaking up with someone after 3.5 years and a good 6 months of living together is very hard. And it took me a long, long, long time to realise that I am not happy with this relationship and that my feelings had changed. Why? I can’t tell you. But that’s the thing about feelings, they come and go, they rush over you like a wave or leave you cold like an icy storm. And most of the time you have no control over them, but I’ve read a quote once which is quite fitting: “You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

And then, once you realise what is going on in your heart and mind, you have a choice. Not only one actually. You have endless choices. Now in this situation, do you wait and see if the feelings change again? Because maybe you’re just going through a rough patch and it’s just a phase and everything will be back to flowers and sunshine soon. Or do you take a leap and just end it once and for all because you know your feelings will never be the same again and you do not want to make yourself and the other person (even more) unhappy?

You never know if the choice you made was the right one. Maybe eventually you will regret it....this thought sucks doesn’t it? Because if you are so sure about something now, how could you possibly regret it in a few weeks, months, or even years?

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn” ~David Russell.

I made the choice to end the relationship and for now it seems to have been the right choice. But who knows? Maybe I f*cked everything up completely. Maybe that was IT and I was too blind and too full of myself to appreciate what I had. Who knows if it was a good or bad choice I made. I’ve heard once that “Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” Sounds about right, doesn’t it? We have to make decisions every day. Good or bad, no one knows. But we always learn from them. One way or the other.

The most important point is you ALWAYS have a choice. You have the choice to accept your situation and adapt to it, or to change your situation and maybe, even if there’s just a 50% chance...maybe you’re lucky enough to find happiness.

Because that’s the thing with choices, with them there comes responsibility. The responsibility of your own happiness. Because you need to put yourself first. You need to ask yourself, are you happy the way your life goes right now and what choice do you have to change it if you’re unhappy? But also, you need to keep in mind that: 

Everything has a consequence. Every action has a reaction. ~ Isaac Newton

xo

Sab

Home sweet sweet home ♥

Hello guys, 

I know I know, I have been quite bad and didn't update my blog for a looong time. Boohoo. 

Oh don’t pretend that you’re interested in the stuff I write anyway, it’s boring as hell. So if you don’t want to fall asleep right now, I would stop reading and get the hell off this blog. You’re still reading? Seriously?! 

Well….I've warned you…...

Believe it or not, I've finally moved into my new apartment! I know right, about bloody time!

Don’t even ask how it was! Moving into an empty apartment and having to set up every piece of furniture was torture. Luckily I had some help from family and friends, but still. I took a week off work to get all the stuff done and when I was back at work I actually felt like needing another week off just so I can sleep. Yeh no, apparently I’m an adult now (yeh sure ha!) and adults have to work. I can tell you, my bed is not happy about this.

"What I love most about my Home is who I share it with." - Ted Carpenter

Well, it’s been a rather stressful few weeks, and even after almost a month of living in the apartment, I realise every day that something is still missing. Seriously don’t ask how much I already spent on small stuff for the kitchen etc. And I’m still not half way there. Curtains, carpets, more towels, blankets, lights, you name it.

Another thing is, as you might know, I love cooking and baking, but now that I’m living on my own (well technically I’m not on my own, the boyfriend moved in as well), I start to appreciate how awesome it was to get home after work, knowing mum or grandma has already made dinner and I just have to sit on the table and put the fork into my mouth. Ah yes, the good old times….well they are over. 

Now I have two options: either cook or slowly starve myself to death (because I’m a lazy cow). Most of the times I go with option one though because the boyfriend’s hungry as well and yeh you know, I love him so n’aah I don’t want him to starve. I’m sure he’d cook as well if I’d ask him but nah ah no chance! This is MY kitchen. Stay the hell out of it!

Apart from all this I have to admit, I love having my own apartment, it’s bloody awesome. All the stuff is MINE and I make the decisions. I can cook whatever and whenever I want, I can watch whatever I want on the TV (well apart from the days where football is on…of course), if I can’t be bothered to clean, I’ll clean tomorrow…who cares?! Oh right…ME. According to the boyfriend I have OCD (pfff my ass!). I mean hello, yes everything needs to be clean and perfect and don’t you dare move the pillows around on the sofa! Take a glass when you want a drink, don’t drink from the bloody bottle! And if you take a glass, use a bloody coaster because I do not want any marks on my table, okay?!

Well anyway, I have been a bit scared at the beginning, as soon as I decided to leave the parents, I was worried that I would regret it sooner or later. And even though my parents literally live next door now, the first few days in the apartment felt weird. Not bad weird, but weird. I guess I had to get used to this new “freedom” first. But I got used to it now and I feel rather grown up, I do enjoy this! And after all the stuff which happened these past few months, or let’s say years, I finally dare to say: I am happy and I hope life stays like this for a while.

Yes, there I've said it. Come on destiny, now show me what you got…kick my ass for this.

xx Sab

Sitting, waiting, hoping...

As if this week hasn't been long and stressful enough already. All that kept me going at the moment was knowing it’ll only be 2 more weeks until I can finally move into my own place. But then...while I was at work, I got a call from my estate agent.

He told me he got a call from the landlord about the new apartment. The landlord said he is really sorry, but it looks like they won’t be able to finish the apartment until the 1^st of July. Means they have to shift the moving in date to the 1^st of August and they wanted to know if this was fine with me?!

Of course it wasn't fine for me! 

I explained that I currently live with my parents, which isn't easy because their flat is rather small and my brother sleeps on the sofa because of me. And August is still a while to go. Another 6 weeks of doing this is just too much! So he said that would be no problem, he also called some of the other people who actually should have moved in on the 1^st of July. Some said they are fine with moving in later others, like me, weren't fine with it. He’ll let the landlord know, so he can make sure that at least some of the apartments, including mine, will be ready until July.

So far so good.

But then I started thinking about it. Since I had to pay a not so small amount for my furniture upfront, I am now not able to get the money together for the deposit until July. I would be able to pay most of it but my dad would have to help me out. And since he's got his own problems at the moment, because he started working under a new contract, it doesn't look too good for him either. Means I am not sure if he’ll be able to give me the rest of the money.

The more I thought about it the more I actually regretted having said that I cannot wait until August. Because in August,  I’d definitely be able to pay everything on my own and I wouldn't have to rely on anybody. After a long conversation with my boyfriend, trying to find a solution for the whole thing and him offering me money, I decided it would be best if I call the estate agent back and let him know that August would be okay for me. Even though it pisses me off a lot.

Yes it means another 4 weeks with my parents, which isn't easy, but it also will give me more time to get the money together. So maybe it was a sign and moving in in July isn't as bad for me as I thought.

I’ll be honest, I’m quite stubborn and I HATE when I have to rely on other people. This was MY plan, MY decision so I have to be able to do this on my own. I can’t take money from my dad or my boyfriend. Because they’re not in this situation, it's not their problem and it wouldn't be fair from me to take their money. They've got enough on their own plate. I signed the contract so I have to be able to pay. No matter how.

After (finally) realising this, I called the estate agent and told him that August is okay for me now. He was rather happy about this, said the landlord actually wanted to give me a call anyways, to ask if I could please change my mind about it. So basically even if I wouldn't have made this decision, the landlord would probably have called today and told me there’s no other way than moving in in August.

So now I’ll have to wait 48 days instead of just 17. I am still quite angry about this, but I actually knew the whole time that they won’t be able to get the house done until July. It’s only 2 more weeks and the house isn't even close to being ready.

The good thing is, I’ll be able to definitely pay the deposit on my own and I’ll even have some money and time to buy more stuff. And that’s exactly what I’ll do on Saturday to cheer me up! Buy some cute pictures, lamps, carpets and a tea pot J

So, now I just hope they won’t call me at the end of July and say they have to move the date to 1^st September…….

Xx Sab

What the actual fuck happened to my life?!

Monday, June 4^th…it’s time to take a deep breath. Things have changed a lot for me in the last few weeks. But let’s start here:

About 7 weeks ago my parents received a letter…we were forced to move out. They gave us 4 weeks. 4 weeks to find a flat, to plan the move, to pack our stuff and to paint the house. We were shocked, but my dad was my dad and did what he always does when we face such terrifying problems; he keeps us going. His decisions might not always be right but at least he always has a plan and knows what to do. But this time it was a bit harder, we spent the first 2 weeks with trying to find a flat, which wasn’t easy. Since my parents knew that I want to leave in august, they’ve been looking for 2-3 bedroom apartments for them and my little brother. But there was literally nothing.

From the 14^th until the 28^th of May I took some days off work, I actually planned to go and see my boyfriend but when the letter arrived two weeks before that, I knew god had other plans for me during my holiday. My parents still hadn’t found a flat and we ran out of time so we had no other choice than starting to pack our stuff.  (I still cannot believe my whole life fits into 6 boxes and one bloody suitcase!)

In the meantime my parents got some appointments to look at flats. Then came the day when we left. So on the last night in my own bed my room looked like this:

Since my parents still hadn’t found a flat, my dad had to rent a 45 square meter flat so we were able to store our furniture and boxes and stuff somewhere and we all had to move in with my nana. This means, 7 people on 75 square meters, oh joy. So no more own room, no more own bed, no more own tv, no space for the computer which means no more skype with the boyfriend. When I thought about it, I was sure I wouldn't survive it!

My parents got their own, small room with a sleeping sofa in it. My brother took the sofa in the living room and I had to share a bed with my nana, my nephew and my sister. And even tho my nephew is only 17 months old and quite small, he took most of the space in bed. Some nights I woke up because he was lying on top of me or kicked me in the back and some mornings I woke up because he kicked me in the face while he slept. I had some great fun….NOT. You’re always around people and you don’t even have 5 minutes to yourself. Me nana was quite annoyed after a few days already because the place wasn’t as clean anymore as she’s used to it. But what do you expect with 6 people, a dog and a 17 month old toddler on 75 square meters?! But somehow we managed to keep it as clean as possible and everyone was quite okay with the situation after a few days.

But yeh, I spent the first week of my holidays with getting up at 7 in the morning and coming back late in the evening, carrying boxes and furniture to the car, throwing old stuff away and carrying more heavy stuff. But we’ve been quite fast and so our old 250 square meter flat was empty soon. Then came the second week of my holidays and we had to paint the whole house, it was terrible, the walls are in a quite weird shape (you actually don’t paint them but spray them with a weird machine which my dad couldn't find ANYWHERE!) but we did our best, painting, singing, laughing, cleaning. We’ve been quite relieved and happy with our work at the end of the week.

Then my parents finally got a call and got told that they can move into one of the flats they’ve been looking at. FINALLY. The flat isn’t as big as our old one but since they’re only 3 people now it’s absolutely fine and the flat is quite amazing actually. My sister still hasn’t found a flat tho so it seems like she’ll stay with me and the nana until she got something. Anyway, on Friday my dad got the keys and they were able to move in. And again, let’s carry some furniture and boxes because it’s such great fun! I was happy that my parents only needed my help on Friday so I had the weekend to myself. They picked up their last stuff yesterday and even tho there’s still pure chaos in their new flat, it’s starting to look like home for them.

We still have some problems with our old landlord but dad wouldn’t be my dad if he wouldn’t have a plan already. I’m glad things are starting to get a bit better again now. There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. Yes I actually still don’t really have a “home” anymore and living with my nana is NOT easy but at least I finally have my own bed again, well yeh it’s the sleep sofa at my nanas but at least I don’t have to share it anymore and I got my own room again. I have privacy again! Thanks god! But still things have changed a lot and I still have to get used to this situation. And more things are to come but I shall tell you about this later.

Xo Sab

 PS: I miss my bed terribly :'(

Expect the best, plan for the worst and prepare to be surprised.

As a lot of you already know: I am still planning to move to England. Get out of this shit whole and move on to pastures new.

BUT my plans of leaving this shitty country always, and I mean ALWAYS, get ruined. No matter how good my plans are, no matter how prepared I am...something happens, more bad than good stuff, and I have to start planning again. I start to think that this is a sign. Maybe I am not supposed to move away, maybe I have to stay here my whole life and be unhappy, because this is god’s plan for me! “Sabrina wants to be happy?! Fuck that I won’t let this happen! Let’s ruin her plans until she gives up!” - Thanks for that God!

A few years back, I’ve suddenly been sure about the fact that I will never be happy here and that I want to move away, not just move out of my parents’ home and get my own flat in the next town, no. I want something different, completely different. I am sick of Germany; I am sick of the people, the language, the country, and the government, just everything! And I like England, I like the country, the people, the language, I just like it. And shut up about the weather! Yes it does rain in England but do you think its better in Germany? No. It’s pretty much the same, I can live with that.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Then one day, voilà the boyfriend appeared on my screen. A cute English guy, who caught my attention immediately. Right from the start, I knew that I cannot imagine my future without him. This encouraged my view on moving away even more.

Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.

So the bestie (yes she’s gonna come with me) and me started planning a long time ago. And we realised it’s a lot harder than we thought at the beginning, but it was okay. We planned, a lot. Got all the information and thought about the best way to do it. After months of trying to save money and setting different dates and then always postponing them, we finally had the ultimate plan. She’s gonna go to London for a few months as an au pair, I’ll stay in germany and work till my contract ends and then move in with the boyfriend. At least until I found a job and me and the bestie found a flat together. Sounds easy, but (still) isn’t. I am not gonna tell you every detail, because it's a long and not really nice story and actually my family problems are not your buisness. Just so much:

I am scared. I am honestly shitting my pants. But now, I have no other choice. My parents gonna move out of the house and move in to a two bedroom apartment with my brother and my sister’s gonna move away with her son as well. Since I actually won’t have a home anymore, I have no other choice than leaving in august. Because I do not want to stay here any longer and I will not get my own flat here because I still need to save money! I’m gonna stay with my nana or my sister for the next 2 months until I can finally go over to the boyfriend. I thought.

Good fortune is what happens, when opportunity meets planning.

And now?! My plans are upside down again. AGAIN! My contract would end in July but now they offered me a new position, starting in August for another year! Another year? This means I'd have to get my own flat here, in shitty land. Can I really stay here another year? Push back my plans and dreams again? The boyfriend AND the bestie won’t be impressed. It’s a brilliant opportunity though, would look marvellous in my CV...but can I do it? Mentally? I don’t know. I have to think about this now. Maybe do a pro and contra list?! Urgh! I don't even know why I wrote about this now, I just had to get it out of my mind, too much stuff is in my head right now, it might explode. Anyway....

But what would you do? Got some advice, anything?

Till then,

Sab

X